Let me take a moment to give you a personal testimony. It dawned on me that some of my writing might be more straightforward than what some of you are used to. My desire is to share with you some changes that I went through that brought me into a deeper relationship with God. Maybe some of you are going through some similar things. I hope this will encourage you.
I have always been a hard worker, and unfortunately I have always been a hard worrier. Something happened in my life over forty years ago that practically devastated me. It happened while I was overseas serving my country. It happened without my knowledge. By the time that I was told about it things were beyond my control. I was twenty-two at the time. I had no idea how to cope with the situation. Therefore, I made mistakes as well.
The funny thing about life is that it keeps coming at you whether you're ready for it or not. I was never ready. I kept trying to deal with the hurt while trying to tackle the new problems of a new day. I made mistake after mistake which compounded one sorrow with another sorrow and still another sorrow.
Looking back I can see where God constantly tried to get me to stop worrying about this particular event. As a pastor, I would preach on the subject of letting past hurts go. I taught several times about forgiveness. But I never stopped fretting and thinking about what had happened.
Was what happened wrong? Yes, it was very wrong. And the thing that got me was that a lot of people considered the Christian that had done this was right to do what they did. There was no scriptural basis for their actions. To top it all off, other Christians who were around the situation and knew the truth still uphold this person in their wrong.
Am I crying the blues? Am I looking for sympathy and pity? No. Not in the least. There are others in my reading audience who have gone through similar things and have deep, deep hurts from things in their past. I am hoping to help you get over some of these things. I am hoping that I can encourage you to cut loose that monkey from your back. I am hoping that I can get you to lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily besets you and keeps you from running after Jesus Christ with all of your might.
I carried the hurt, the guilt, the worry, the frustration for forty years. My thought life was always filled with anger, jealousy and sorrow. I can see now that I made decisions throughout my life that were partially based on the idea of showing that person that I really could be successful. And, I had the hope that they would be proud of me.
What? What was I thinking? Was that one of the stupidest reasons for make a decision or what? As dumb as that was, my mind and my emotions were so messed up that I couldn't think straight. I had never learned to let it go. Through the years, I refused to forgive and go on with my life. I was always dragging the agony with me everywhere I went and through everything I did.
Then, last August, it finally caught up with me. At 66 years old, I still outworked others younger than I was. To be honest, I enjoy hard work. But, hard work was not the real problem. The real problem was my thought life. My emotions over the past brought havoc into my body.
My worry and frustration wore my adrenal glands down to the point that I was suffering from adrenal fatigue and didn't know it. They were worn down to the point that they were stuck in what is known as the "fight or flight" mode. You've probably experienced that if you've ever been involved in an accident. Soldiers experience that on the battlefield when they are in a fire fight. Strong emotions cause the adrenaline to rush through your body temporarily to help you in a dangerous situation.
People with adrenal fatigue often feel that way 24/7. That's the way it was with me. I could feel it in my chest for months. I felt like I needed to do something to get rid of my pent up energy. However, nothing that I did helped. I, also, couldn't sleep at night. There were times that I would wake up at 2 a.m. and not be able to go back to sleep. The lack of rest at night combined with the hard work during the day compounded the problem.
Then one day last August after an extremely hard day, my heart started going into a-fib and skipping a beat. At one point I didn't have the strength to walk. I actually thought I was dying. After five trips to the emergency room and two trips to a cardiologist, the only thing they could tell me was that my heart and my body were in great shape.
It was a preacher friend of mine who had been suffering from the same thing that put me on to the real problem. As I began to study about adrenal fatigue, I realized that it had been my thought life that had brought me down. I knew I had to change. It was a struggle to stop a habit that I had been nurturing for forty years. I had to finally admit that the baggage had cost me years of happiness that I could have enjoyed and now it had taken my health.
I fought to forgive. I fought to change my thought patterns like I had preached from 2 Corinthians 10:5 all those years. I found good things to think about. I found scriptural things to think about.
There were still times when I couldn't sleep. I would wake up around 2 a.m. and not get back to sleep until about 4 a.m. The old thoughts were trying to make a come back as usual. Eventually, I decided that since I was awake, I may as well try praying. Du-u-u-u-h!! Way to go Einstein. That's what God had wanted all along.
As I began to spend hours praying to God quietly, I began to linger in His Presence. Not only did I begin to calm down, but I started on a great journey. Little by little the Holy Spirit began to wake up the scriptures that I had memorized over the years. The heart of God began to come alive inside of me. I began to see things from His point of view instead of my own. I realized the real reason for forgiveness and handing the outcome of all things over to Him.
Now as I am writing about wrestling with the devil, I can see it from God's point of view. I used to see it from my own feeble point of view. You know. The devil's big and bad and he's out destroying stuff and we gotta fight. Actually, when you look at the devil from God's point of view you see a loser who's greatest power is a lie (John 8:44). The problem is, we have erroneously believed what everybody else says about the devil. We base our faith on all the evil that we see and the bad news that we hear.
If we were honest with each other, we would have to admit that we think more about the devil's lies than we do God's truths about the situations we face. If we prayerfully change our thinking to the light of God's Word, our spirit man will be emboldened by the Holy Spirit. And that is where the change comes.
I hope this post encourages those of you who have been going through a lot of rough times. Jesus said that in this world we would have tribulations. But, He also said for us to cheer up because He had overcome all of these things. (John 16:33) My thought life and my heart rests in His promises.
Now let's get on with the wrestling.
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